Two guys were fishing down by the Ohio River on different sides of the riverbank at night. Guy number one was catching a whole bunch of fish for his family, but guy number two hadn't caught any and was frustrated and called out to guy number one "How come you've been catching all them there fish and I ain't caught a single one?"
Guy number one replied, " I don’t know.... why don’t ya come on over here?"
"I don’t know.... I don’t see a bridge, and their aint no boat, and I don’t swim to well"
Guy number one picks up his flashlight, turns it on, and replies, "Why don’t you walk across this here beam of light?"
Guy number two replies "You think I'm stupid? When I get half way you'll turn it off!!!"

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles as passed away.” The distressed woman wailed,” Are you sure?” “Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead, ” replied the vet. “How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might be in a coma or something.” The vet rolled his eyes. turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.” The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$820?” she cried,”$820 just to tell me my duck is dead!” The vet shrugged,”I’m sorry. If you had taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $820.”

A husband and wife are bickering after dining out on a Friday date night. The wife was upset because her husband was flirting with the young voluptuous waitress all evening without even trying to be descrete about it. Out of anger, he begins to speed up over the limit as they drive down the road. A police officer pulls them over and says, “I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.” The man says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”
While staring out the passenger window the wife says: “Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”
As the officer writes out the ticket, the man looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?”
The wife smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.”
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Damit, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”
The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.”
The man says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”
The wife says, “Now, dear, that’s a nice story but you never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”
The police officer is writing out another ticket while the man turns to his wife and barks, “JUST SHUT UP ALREADY!!!”
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”
“Only when he’s been drinking,” replies the woman triumphantly.

A Horse Walks into a Bar… He approaches the bartender and says, “If there is a triangle with three sides labeled x, y, and z, and x and z are perpendicular to each other, which side is the hypotenuse?”
The bartender thinks for a moment, then replies, “Y, the long face.”

''I’m sorry while you were talking I was trying to figure out where the hell you got the idea I cared.”

A college professor was giving a big science test. Upon collecting the tests she noticed a note attached to one of them with a $100 bill underneath it.
The note read, “One dollar per point please.”
The professor returned the test the following with $40 and a note attached.
The note read, “Here’s your $40 change.”

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