Fairview
Sale Barn Fairview, IL
We appreciate the jokes and/or funny stories. Please keep them coming: debi1948@gmail.com
Once upon a time there was this guy who bought a hang glider and
took it out to the mountains to fly it. He was cruising along a few
hundred feet above the treetops when he spots these two hunters down
below. He hollers and waves at them, trying to be sociable.
Suddenly, the hunters look up and they both fire their double barrel
shotguns at him.
When the hang glider was out of sight, one of the hunters turns to
the other and says "What kinda bird you reckon that was?"
The other hunter replies "I don't rightly know, but I think we hit
it."
"How's that?"
"You saw how fast he dropped that man he was caring, didn't ya?
One Saturday morning, a wife woke up and tried checking her phone
before getting out of the bed. After a few minutes of tapping on the
phone’s screen, she cursed loud enough to wake up her husband and
hurried to the bathroom.
Worried what happened, her husband got out of the bed and followed
her into the bathroom only to find her doing her make up
frantically.
“What’s the hurry,” he asked. “You just woke up and you’re not going
to work today.”
She replied, “I have locked my phone with facial recognition and
apparently it’s not recognizing me without my makeup.”
A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to
three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in.
In the first room, people are standing in poop up to their necks.
The guy says “No, let me see the next room.”
In the second room, people are standing in poop up to their noses.
Guy says no again.
Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing
in poop up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish
pastries. The guy says, “I pick this room.” Satan says O.K. The guy
wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells,
“O.K., coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!”
A man joined a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first
day of work, he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone, “Get
me a coffee, quickly!”
The voice from the other side responded, “You fool you’ve dialed the
wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to, dumbo?”
“No,” replied the trainee.
“It’s the CEO of the company, you fool!”
The trainee shouted back, “And do you know who YOU are talking to,
you fool?!”
“No,” replied the CEO indignantly.
“Good!” replied the trainee, and put down the phone.
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for
Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.
“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.
“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps
rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And
now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth
would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”
The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her
right away.
She said, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He said,
“That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.” So
she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a
very nice resort.
So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of
his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half
tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife
position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the
towel.
She said, “That was incredible!” He said, “I used to be an Olympic
diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about ourselves
as we went along.”
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After
about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel
hardly out of breath.
He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance
swimmer?”
“No.” she said, “I was a prostitute in Venice and I worked both
sides of the canal.”
A man came home one day and said to
his wife: “Honey, what would you do if I said I’d won the
lottery?”
She sneered: “I’d take half and then leave you.”
“Excellent,” he replied. “I hit 3 numbers and won $10. Here’s
$5, pack your bags and get out.”