A boss said to his secretary I want to have sex with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done.
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself."
So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, "The bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still going at it".

Recently I heard the former mayor of Reading, Pennsylvania, recount some funny stories about his time in office. One happened while he was running for reelection; he was in a bar and paid for a woman’s drink. She thanked him but wondered why a stranger had bought her a beer.
“I’m running for mayor,” he told her, “and I want your vote.”
“You got it,” she said, grabbing her glass. “Anyone’s better than the imbecile who’s in there now.”

One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing. Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
Ben searches diligently through the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: “Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here.”
Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, “What’s the matter Ben?”
Ben shouts back in a nervous voice, “Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can’t get out of here with an 8-iron.”

The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary.

The old woman said, “We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon.”
“Uh huh,” said the old man.

“We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon,” said the old woman.
“Uh huh,” said the old man.

“And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon,” said the oldwoman.
“That’s right,” said the old man, “except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry,
‘It’s too big, it’s too big!'”

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the pharmacist – he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.
Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, “Now, just a minute – listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I’ll be darned if I didn’t lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.
When I finally got to the store, there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels – the phone is still ringing – when I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke.
The phone is still ringing with no let up; I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife – she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!!!”

Two prostitutes in a van were driving through a small southern town displaying a sign on the side of their van that read: TWO PROSTITUTES LOOKING FOR WORK.
When pulled over by the local police, they were told that it was illegal to display such a sign on the side of their vehicle. About that time a van drives by with the sign JESUS SAVES proudly displayed on its side.
“Well that van had a sign on its side and you didn’t stop them”, argued one of the prostitutes to the police officer.
“Well that was a religious sign and that’s not illegal. You girls get out of town before morning,” replied the officer.
The next morning the same officer spotted the same van with the same two women in it proudly driving down Main Street. Immediately pulling the van over, he yelled, “I thought I told you two to get out of town before morning”
“But officer, we are not breaking any law now,” said one of the girls. Proudly displayed on the side of their van was a sign that read, TWO ANGELS LOOKING FOR PETER.

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