Fairview Sale Barn Fairview, IL
We appreciate the jokes and/or funny stories. Please keep them coming: debi1948@gmail.com
Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Two men are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes,
but there two women golfers in front of them who are taking quite a long
time to play each hole.
The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?"
The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back. The first guy
says, "What's wrong?"
He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress."
The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over." He gets about
halfway there and he turns and comes back, too.
The second guy says, "What's wrong?"
The first guy says, "Small world!"
A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students
to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said,
"My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was
fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the
word "fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was
fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you
to use the word "fascinate, not fascinated."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been
burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he
could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are
so big she can only fasten eight."
She says, “Well what was that for?”
He says, “Thats for 40 years of rotten sex!”
She doesn’t reply and they start rocking again.
All the sudden the old lady reaches up and slaps her husband.
He says, “Well what was that for?”
She says, “That’s for knowing the difference!”
So after landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a
good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive,
mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling
obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. I said pleasantly,
“Good morning and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they
twins?’
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they aren’t
twins. The oldest one is 9, and the other one is 7. Why the hell would you
think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, ma’am. I just couldn’t believe
someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at
Walmart.”
My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now
I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over
here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
United States and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take
everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle
disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements with the ‘Three Kick
Rule.'”
The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”
The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to
go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on
back and forth until someone gives up.”
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he
could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the
lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff
sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all
fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into
a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “O’kay, you old fart.
Now it’s my turn.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.”
One morning at the bargaining table, the company’s chief negotiator held
aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, “This man,” he announced,
“called in sick yesterday!” There, on the sports page, was a photo of the
supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an
excellent score.
A union negotiator broke the silence in the room. “Wow,” he said. “Think of
what kind of score he could have had if he hadn’t been sick!”
An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York
and says, “I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your
mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage and that much
misery is enough!”
“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son yells.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old dad explained.
“We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call
your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!”.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck
they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.” She calls
her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, “You are not getting
divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother
back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, you
hear me?” she yelled as she hung up the phone.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay”, he says, “it’s
all set. They’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare.