cropped salebarnFairview Sale Barn  Fairview, IL


Joke of the Week  --

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John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn.
  So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible storm. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
  “I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,” she explained, “and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.”
  “Don't worry,” John said. “We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.”
  The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
  Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.  But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
  He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, “Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?'
  “Yes, I do,” said Shawn

  “Did you, er… happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”
  “Well, um… yes,” Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, “I have to admit that I did.”
  “And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?”
  Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look… I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.  Why do you ask?”

  “She just died and left me everything.”


(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you; you’re smiling, aren’t you?)


Shirley Mae recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his
ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. 

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.... 

"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" 

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, “Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!" 

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!" 

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?" 

"Get Ready…Here it comes."




She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said,

"I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP.

  Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag.

He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?”


He said,   " Sure " .

He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.  

She hugged the man and through tears said,

"Thank You, God, for sending me such a very nice man."

The man heard her little prayer and replied,

"Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car theft."  

The woman hugged the man again, sobbing,

"Oh, thank you, God!  You even sent me a Professional!"  

Is GOD Great or What? 

Sex after Death



A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all. 

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact. 

“Nancy, Nancy?” 

"Is that you, Ray?” 

“Yes, I've come back like we agreed." 

“That's wonderful! What's it like?” 

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. 

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course. 

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.” 

"Oh, Ray! Are you in Heaven?" 

“No, I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona." 


If you have ever worked with young children you know this cannot be made up. 

The Ocean  ALL you Need to Know!!

Children Writing About the Ocean!.

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6) 

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6) 

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
Have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and
Pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the Ocean.
Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle To make the wind come.
My brother said they would have been better Off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails,
but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is Always crying, my Dad keeps
yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has Just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can Give you a shock.
They have to live in caves under the sea where I think They have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my Willy small. (Kevin, age 6) 

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers   can't Go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was Going very fast.
She says she won't do it again because water fired right Up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6) 

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.
What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.(James, age 7)


If you didn't smile at one of these, you need to find a better sense of humor.






















Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland .As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.  She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

“These,” she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.”  She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?”

A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”