Joke of the Week

My regular supplier of jokes is no longer available:  Please send me

jokes at the following:  debi1948@gmail.com

 

 

 

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

 

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Six." Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven!" Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!" Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

 

President Lincoln was approached by a woman after a political speech… If you were my husband I would poison your tea. Lincoln replied...if you are my wife I’ll gladly drink it.

 

Have you heard the joke about yoga. Nevermind its a bit of a stretch.

 

Why should you never play poker at the zoo? Too many cheetahs

 

What do you call a nose with no body? No body nose

 

Never confide in a vacuum cleaner. They’re always collecting dirt

 

Boy: The principal is so dumb! Girl: Do you know who I am? Boy: No... Girl: I am the principal's daughter! Boy: Do you know who I am? Girl: No... Boy: Good! *Walks away*

 

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, Dumbo!" So I corrected myself, "My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?

 

A man asks a farmer near the field, "Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:30 PM train." The farmer says, "Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you'll even catch the 4 PM one."

One spelling misstake, and a husband cannot go home.  A Husband wrote a romantic message to his wife on his official busines trip and missed an "e" in the last word.  Now he is seeking police protection to enter his own home.  He wrote:  "Hi darling, I am experiencing the best time of my life, and I wish you were her."

 

Husband:  The nerve of that doctor.  Saying I’m so old that he referred me to an archaeologist!
Wife:  Audiologist, dear.  You can’t hear

My wife has been missing for a week and the police told me to prepare for the worst.  So, I went back to Goodwill and got all of her stuff back!

Things to ponder:

1.    If the No. 2 pencil is the  most popular, why is it still No. 2.

2.    Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

3.    Why are you “in” a moving, but “on” TV?

4.    What was the  best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

5.    Why do we drive on parkways & park on driveways?

6.    Why do “fat chance” & “slim chance” mean the same thing?

7.    Why do British people never sound British when they sing?

8.    At a movie theater, which arm rest is yours?

9.    Why are the no “B” batteries?

10.  Why do people say “heads up” when you should duck?

If every computer in the world crashed, and the internet was completely gone, people my age are the only ones who could cope!