Joke of the Week --
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2059
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh
largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as
California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as
Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and
livestock.
Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10
more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No
other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!
Last Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be
imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all
smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2060.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and
reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight
loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive
year in Mexifornia and Floruba.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter
speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United
States.
Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling
for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays
and Fridays.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules any punishment of criminals violates their civil
rights.
A Couple Finally Had Sexual Harmony, They had simultaneous
Headaches.
Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches with
only 5 illegitimate children.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly
swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January
2060.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.
EIGHT THOUGHTS
TO PONDER:
Number 8
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 7
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can
die.
Number 6
Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. They can't
tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a
sandwich.
Number 5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to
use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe
years.
Number 4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in
the hospitals, dying of nothing.
Number 3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1
Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers-- What you do today, might
burn your ass tomorrow
... and as someone recently said to me:
"Don't worry about old age-- It doesn't last that long."
A Man asked a
waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman
sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from
the gentleman who is seated over there'..... and indicated the
sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the
man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who
was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and
conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me
to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a
million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'..
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own
in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and
instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I
have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche
Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and
Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty
million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for
a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send
the wine back.'
Sign at a Gun Show
I went to the Gun Show at Reliant Center Saturday, Mar.23, 2013.
An all-day big show and lots of guns. Looked like people
buying mostly hand guns and a lot were just looking, as we were.
Thousands of people, hundreds signing up and joining the NRA - wow!
The best sign I saw there was at a booth that read :
"IF YOU VOTED FOR OBAMA, WE DO NOT WANT YOUR BUSINESS.
YOU'RE TOO DAMN STUPID TO HAVE A FIREARM!"
Now this is a real background check...!